Tips and Techniques
How often do you feel that you are being punished more than your child when it comes to giving consequences? Often, rude and disruptive behavior escalates after consequences are given and you might ask yourself if it was worth it.
James and Janet Lehman of The Total Transformation Program were experts in
the field of parenting children with oppositional and defiant behavior. Since this writing, their company is now defunct but they were leaders in the field and their concepts still apply as they underscored the importance of children needing to learn to be accountable for their actions no matter what age. Their ideas stem from their understanding that it is up to you (the parents) to create a climate of accountability in the home and in the community with your child. You would be first tier. Naturally, individuals who are mentors at schools, religious organizations and after school activities should be available to step in as long as there is communication between parents and other responsible adults.
It seems that some parents try to justify the inappropriate behavior of their child and tend to blame it on the child’s friends or teachers as being a bad influence. Based on working with scores of parents through my years as a high school teacher and staff developer in New York City and London, England schools. I believe a number of parents "look the other way" when a child is behaving disgracefully or is abusive and disrespectful to them or others. There are many reasons for that. One is that they they’ve given up. They’ve tried many strategies suggested and they are not working so they ‘throw in the towel.’ Also, there may be times when parents may under-react to a child's weaknesses by refusing to recognize them.
Then there are parents who think inappropriate behavior is just a passing phase related to age, and the child will eventually settle down. Some parents are in denial of the behavior because it is a frightening situation to realize your child just can’t cope. Parents might be afraid of their child's failures and think, "What if I don't know how to help him?" Or they may even be thinking, "what if I pass my failures on to him?" Obviously, thee are many times that parents just can’t cope nor find the proper help in the the community or government services offered.
Another unhelpful tactic is when a parent or mentor becomes an enabler and takes total responsibility for solving the child’s problems. If you recognize yourself in any of these points, please know that this behavior is your child’s cry for help. So, I suggest you take a look at some of the ideas and keep an open mind. You may have even tried some of them but perhaps lost the energy to continue when you didn’t see it working.
If your child is failing in an area, there are steps you can take to help him. Accurately define the failure, and explain to him exactly what the failure is. Perhaps it is his impulsive behavior, like not thinking before acting. Maybe it's his laziness, ungratefulness, or emotional immaturity. Accept your child fully, and don't withhold affection because of his inappropriateness and or belligerent behavior. Withholding affection never helps but at the same time boundaries and consequences need to be established for intolerable behavior, including abuse and disrespect.
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